The Goodness of God

When we started this journey, Rob would encourage me to know that God is good. A couple of months ago I started meditating on this and declaring it to my heart, and it became truth to me. Tears would flow down my face in awe of the goodness of God, and I began to see His goodness around me. 

The morning after Rob went home to be with Jesus, I went into the room that we had been staying in, and the room that he passed from this life to the next, and I filled the room with praise. I cannot tell you how beautiful and peaceful it felt in there. I heard Jesus say to me that He won the victory over death and He won the victory for Rob, and Rob was His reward. I was surrounded by the goodness of God. 

We have been talking about the goodness of God the past two weeks at BridgeWay. God created this world and He said it was good. He created man and woman, and He said it was good. All Adam and Eve knew was that all was good. God told them not to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil because they would no longer have a single perspective of His goodness. They would have to choose to believe and see that He is good over and over. They would be faced with evil and have to fight to not live in darkness. We have the same problem today. God has an abundant life available for us, and that life is to live in His goodness, but the choice is ours. He has made a way through His Son Jesus to continually live in that, and I have experienced this first hand! Because I have decided that God is good, I can say with conviction that after three weeks without my husband, God IS good! I can see so much of His goodness. 

I can look at my Spirit-filled daughter who looks like Rob, has his compassionate heart, has a calling on her life that is incredible, and I can see God's goodness. I can look at the last three years of my life and see that I got to know a man that sought after the heart of God like David. I got to partner with someone and experience the refining process that can happen in a marriage. I got to receive love from a man that was selfless and sacrificial, I got to love a man without conditions. I got to keep my vows to stick with him through sickness. I got to be loved by him the way that Christ loves His church. I got to learn how to be in touch with my emotions, and express them in a healthy way. I got to experience a fairy-tale romance. I got to learn how to be a friend and truly care about others. I got to learn to value family and community and relationships. I will be forever changed because of Rob, and I am a better person because of him. Now, some may say what a tragedy we went through, but I choose to see the goodness that God has lavished upon me the last three years, and I say "thank YOU, You are so good and You are so good to me!"

"For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving" (1 Timothy 4:4).

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows" (James 1:17).

"Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him" (Psalm 34:8).

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28). 

Rob is experiencing the fullness of joy

Most have heard but my beloved Rob finally got to see his King face to face. I wrote on Facebook that he is no longer suffering but is experiencing the fullness of joy in the presence of the Lord. I'm so happy for him but really sad for me and Ari and all the people that he touched. I'm not going to write much now but wanted to make sure to get the info out to everyone that wants to come say goodbye to this incredible man...

• There will be a viewing on Monday, February 2nd from 4:00 - 8:00 pm at Newcomer Funeral Home 190 Potomac Street Aurora, CO 80011.

• The funeral will be Tuesday, February 3rd at BridgeWay Church 5201 East Warren Avenue Denver, CO 80222 at 12:00 pm.

• Burial will be held at Fort Logan Cemetery 4400 West Kenyon Avenue Denver, CO 80236 at 2:15 pm.

• Reception will be back at BridgeWay Church 5201 East Warren Avenue Denver, CO 80222 at 4:00 pm.

Rob's Sozo

On Monday morning a nurse came over to take out the PCA pump that administers the Dilauded. Because we didn't have the liquid prescription yet, she decided to wait and have another nurse come later that evening so that Rob would not run out of the Dilauded and go into a pain crisis. I left to meet my sister for lunch, and when I got home I ran upstairs to check on Rob and saw the PCA pump quite a distance from Rob. I got a little nervous when I realized he had taken the needle out of the port. I quickly called hospice and they sent someone over. Everything was fine, we just had to load him up on the liquid medicine and cannabis oil to get his pain under control. I don't understand much about the port because I always look away when it's getting "accessed" and "de-accessed", so I guess it was not as big of a deal as I made it out to be. They were more concerned about him going hours without pain medicine. As soon as the .4 mg of Dilauded and 1 gram of cannabis oil was administered, he went into a deep restful sleep. 

As Rob rested in deep sleep, I booked a flight for the courier to bring another 90 grams of cannabis oil. Earlier in the day, I was shocked to find that we were almost out of the first 90 grams in only 30 days. I shouldn't be too surprised, as he is at 4.5 grams of oil per day!

Rob has gotten pretty skinny the last month. He's been sleeping most of the time, and his eating has gone down the past couple of weeks. The first week or two on the cannabis oil, Rob really had the munchies and was eating quite a bit. The last two weeks, he hasn't been hungry. I talked to a lady who helped her mom come back from a severe case of bone marrow cancer and had gotten down to 80 pounds. She was able to help her restore her strength and it started with her drinking bone broth. I've become more comfortable making bone broth over the past year, so I immediately started a pot. A couple of days ago, I started having Rob drink that. I figured it is one of the most healthy things he can take in and it will give him the calories, minerals, fat, protein, and more. Since then, he's been eating more and drinking a lot of water and juice. I would like to see him get up and walk more so that he can continue to gain strength, but I'm encouraged to see him make this turn. Also, one of the nurses shared with him that more often when people die from cancer, it's not the cancer that kills them, but the fact that they aren't eating or drinking. That was empowering for me to know because I can do all I can to help provide nourishment and hydration to his body and do that in ways that he can take it in. He's been craving healthier things like vegetables over fried food! He is very cooperative and trusts me to know what I'm doing to take care of him. I'm doing the best I can and walking in such peace and direction from the Lord. 

Here is a picture of a glass of the bone broth I made him:

I have some praises to share. On the physical side I've noticed tumor shrinkage! Today as I was helping Rob to the bathroom, I got a good look at his back. As he's been getting skinnier, I've noticed the tumor protruding from his back, but today I didn't see it! I've also noticed that the left side of his chest isn't as swollen as it has been. 

Lately I've been contemplating things in my own heart. It is so sad what Rob is going through, and sometimes it can feel very far from myself ever facing such a thing, but in reality, any of us could face that or similar at any time. I've wondered what it would be like if the tables were turned. I know that Rob would be an absolutely amazing support and so loving and compassionate. But, I know that if I were going through what he's going through, above all else I would want to be at peace. Not peace that comes from my circumstance changing, but peace that is much deeper. A peace that would remain in the middle of a crazy circumstance. The very peace that Jesus felt as He slept in a boat that was getting violently tossed back and forth from a major storm . I started praying for this peace for Rob. I realize that once Rob is healed, if he doesn't have the peace, he doesn't get the full healing. A healing without peace would only change the immediate circumstance but would once again stir up fear and ask such questions like "how often do I need to get scanned" and "what do I have to do to secure my healing". I believe that God wants to do so much more than just heal him physically. I got to lay hands on him and pray over him this morning. I thanked God for loving Rob so much and I felt His heart for Rob. It was beautiful! Then I got to see Rob smiling a few hours later as he slept. I saw the peace of God resting on him.  I continue to stand on God's will for Rob to receive what the Bible declares: Sozo (to be healed, delivered, restored, made whole, set free!)

Lifted Up

This week has been an emotional one to say the least. A series of events on Monday left me sad, spent, and hopeless. I won't share details at this time, but just ask that you all continue to stand and keep us in prayer when you think of us. Many don't understand the depth of heartache and strength that is required to endure this, but if we are on your heart, we appreciate your cries to our awesome God. I know that prayers have sustained me and given me the strength that I've needed during this time. I have experienced the strength of Christ that He spoke to Paul about, His strength that is perfected in weakness. Boy am I weak! It's actually a pretty amazing thing to experience.

I have such a great amount of appreciation for the love and support my parents have been. I could not imagine how I couple possibly care for him and Ari without their help. They allow me to get out of the house and give me a break from chasing my little toddler around. I say all the time that I can barely do this with their help I know for sure that I would be sinking fast without it. I'm blessed to have such support and love from my parents. I also must say that friends and family have been so encouraging and uplifting in this trial. I literally feel my arms being lifted up by so many surrounding me.

Before Rob went back to the hospital a couple of months ago, we three moved in with my folks while our house got painted. We anticipated moving back home in two weeks, but now we are going on two months living with them. It started with a CT scan that Rob did a couple of months ago. The scan results were not what we were hoping. The initial tumor showed to be super large while pressing on the spleen and what remains of the left lung, and has shifted the heart and trachea to the right side. Multiple tumors appear in the right lung. After this news, Rob started experiencing a lot of pain and panic about what was happening in his body. He started going to the hospital for pain and eventually ended up at the University of Colorado hospital after his appointment with the sarcoma specialist. He stayed in that hospital for four days and then came home with hospice.

I have been upfront with hospice and told them that although they may be used to helping people by comforting them before they die, we needed their help to check vitals and help wean off narcotic pain medicine. Part of the struggle that I've had is that I am holding this hope, standing in faith for my husband to be healed, and hospice is coming in speaking and acting in the opposite. It makes it harder and lonely when I refute their words of death.

Rob continues to sleep most of the time. I wake him up to eat, help him to the bathroom, and administer medicine. He is up to three grams of cannabis oil per day now, and the dilauded has been lowered to .2 grams per hour. I'm hoping that we will get this bag off him in the next week. He is more lucid than he's been in a month (hallelujah)!

He boycotted his oxygen yesterday, and when I went to bed his oxygen level was 92 so I let him sleep without it. This morning it came in at 94, so oxygen absorption is looking good.

Confidently Expectant

I woke up this morning a bit sore from my first workout in almost two years yesterday! My friend Becky invited me to a stroller mama workout and it was wonderful! It felt good to get moving and the workout was great. It also felt good to do something for myself that actually is for Rob and Ari too, because as long as I can care for myself, I can continue caring for them. 

For the first morning in a couple of days, Rob woke up with no pain. I've been working on adjusting the nightly dose of oil so that it will last for 8-9 hours. The problem with the oil is that once he's in a bit of pain, the oil takes a while to kick in, so I have to learn to adjust the dosage to get ahead of the pain. Yesterday he took a total of 1 3/4 gram, so he's moving up quickly! 

He slept all day today, but that didn't stop the prayer team from the Barn (officially called Intercessors of the Trinity) to come over and pray over him. It was an awesome time of prayer. These people love Rob and are expecting a total healing. I like that. These are people that I can connect with, and when it comes to expecting a miracle, there are times that I feel very much alone in my hope. You see, I'm not hoping as in wishing it will come true, I'm hoping as the Bible defines hope (a confident expectation, an assurance of things that are unclear and unknown). Anyway, there are times that I wonder if I'm in denial or if people think I'm crazy, and frankly I don't care because my call is to stand in faith and believe for my husband!

Romans 8:24-25 For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

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Thankfulness Cultivates Peace

The hospice nurse came over yesterday and lowered the dilauded from .6 to .4 mg per hour. Last time Rob tried .4 mg per hour it was too hard on his body and we had to up to .6. I noticed some withdrawals and he was more lucid than he has been in a few weeks.

About a year ago, Rob and I found out about this ministry that meets on Tuesday nights in Evergreen at what they call the Prayer Barn. They have seen many miracles and healings for cancer! Rob went twice to get prayer, and I have been up quite a few more times to get prayer for him. The people that run it and the people that go have quite a heart for Rob and Ari and I. They continue to pray for and believe in a complete healing for him. I decided to go last night, but before I left, he wanted to pray with me and with Ari and I. That was really cool because he's been too sedated to contemplate things, much less spend time with his Papa (that's what Rob calls his Heavenly Father :).

As soon as I arrived at the Barn I was greeted with hugs, smiles, and waves. They are a great bunch of folks that really love and care about us. Super blessing. I received lots of prayer and was able to pray for a few people as well. 

I got home late and gave Rob his last dose of cannabis oil, to make a total of 1.5 grams. He was at 4/5 of a gram for almost two weeks and then suddenly his body required a full 1.5 grams. It's a great thing, because the more cannabinoids he can take in, the more they can go in and work against the cancer. 

This morning he woke up and spent the morning talking over things with my parents and I. Now that he's more alert, he's been dealing with some of the feelings of fear and uncertainty. He wants to know that the oil is working. He wants to know that he's going to be okay. He wants to live so badly! I feel so sad when I hear him having to deal with these things. No 36 year old should have to contemplate these things :(

Philippians 4:6-7 was laid heavy on my heart for all the anxiety he was dealing with. I was able to spend some time praying with him and finding things to be thankful for. I was brought to tears when, as I was thanking God for things, I realized that Rob and I have a deep, true, agape love for one another that many don't get to experience even after many years of marriage. I realized that we wanted that in our marriage early on and God has blessed us with that. Love, true love, is a beautiful thing.

Philippians 4:6-7

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Three Week Update

Three weeks ago today, we sat in yet another oncologist's office. This guy is the sarcoma specialist in Colorado. We decided it would be best to stay local for support and ease of any transition that may come. His offer? Chemotherapy to possibly shrink the tumors and provide some pain relief. He said if Rob did nothing he would have weeks to live. I am happy to say that Rob is laying next to me, in little to no pain (for the first time in about a year), and does not have an ounce of chemo in him. 

Many have walked this journey together with us and seen bits and pieces, and frankly, no one but us three really know all that we've had to endure, but people are aware of all the things that we have tried to do to beat this cancer. Rob has been a walking science experiment, and he is by far the most courageous person I have ever known. After talking with a few sources, we decided to give cannabis oil a try. We felt we didn't have much to lose, and if anything it would help him with pain. It has done that and even more! For the first time in a year he has slept deeply and soundly with little pain. That alone makes this experiment a Godsend. 

There are some side effects he's been dealing with. He has basically slept for the last three weeks since getting out of the hospital. There have been relatives and friends that have come to see him, and he doesn't really remember. The cannabis coupled with the prescription narcotics will occasionally affect his ability to have a straight and intelligible conversation (which, if you know Rob, is definitely not him). We are working with hospice to wean him off the narcotics since the cannabis oil has been way more effective at dealing with his pain (thank YOU JESUS!!) He is super hungry most of the time, so we have to make sure to keep the house stocked with good "munchy" food :)

I have a few things to say. I have believed that Rob is going to be healed since the beginning of this journey. There have been many ups and downs and times that I've been tempted to believe that it's not God's will to heal him, but I firmly believe that Rob has purposes in his heart and callings spoken over him that have not yet been fulfilled. I believe that God brought us together and gave us an amazing child to raise together. For the first time, I can see in the physical what I have believed in the spiritual. Please continue to lift us up and believe with us for his full mind, body, and soul restoration and recovery.

I want to keep you all updated and post as often as possible. With my little angel it becomes a big challenge, as she loves to play with my keyboard. However, I will do my best to post updates even if small. Much happens almost daily and many are wanting to know how Rob is doing.